I Think, Therefore I Am Frustrated

In which this blog continues to be dead, but the dirt on the grave moves a little bit

2012-01-10T05:10:00.001-06:00

Brains.

Cobras? Wait...They're Poisonous?!?!

2011-04-09T06:40:00.002-05:00

You Still Read This?

2011-04-06T23:15:00.001-05:00

Man, you're such a hipster.

Blog

2010-04-03T06:30:00.001-05:00

I'm a bad blogger. I was a good blogger. Can I ever find myself on the right side of the blogging tracks again?

Maybe I'm Back?

2009-10-11T18:28:00.003-05:00

To no one,

Gosh, this is a pretty blog page and a nifty banner that I totally created myself. It would be a shame to just let it die. Now that I have a smartphone (I touch Mytouch), I can post from everywhere. That means I'm back, probably the most insignificant news to come across the presses since Noam Chomsky made a BM and called it a novel. I'm also taking the haiku blog (thinkfrustrated-haiku.blogspot.com) back to haiku a day status. Finally, I ditched the Think Frustrated moniker for a simpler, more awesomer JakeMG. Revel in the glory of the written word!

Peace in,

JakeMG (a blogger and haikuist once again)

Don't ask...

2009-03-11T04:24:00.000-05:00

Viva la libertad -- A Friend.

Wow. Just...Wow

2009-02-28T06:50:00.000-06:00

Go Haiku!

2009-02-03T19:55:00.003-06:00

Hey, do you haiku?

I do. And I post for you.

Like catching brain flu.

http://thinkfrustrated-haiku.blogspot.com

(Browse my archives. I've buried some good shit there, just like I ate a winning lottery ticket, and then went camping.)

Blogger Buddies vs. Facebook Friends: The Armageddon

2009-01-29T06:25:00.005-06:00

I finally bit the social networking bullet and joined Facebook. Is having Facebook Friends cooler than having Blogger Buddies? The world may never know.

If you'd like to test that theory, and you have a Facebook account, and you're currently one of my Blogger Buddies, and you have $19.95 payable by Visa, MasterCard, American Express, or money order, please search my full name and make me your friend.

My goal is to make people think I know a lot of people. That and to find others interested in Don Delillo, Buddhism, and The Beatles.

Holler front.

The Future of Art

2008-12-14T06:51:00.005-06:00

First, watch this:
http://bestofyoutube.com/bigger.asp?videoid=1360
(7 minutes long but worth it.)

Then, go here:

http://www.rabbitholes.com/Gallery/art_one.html

Prepare to have your mind blown.

This is Just Easier..

2008-11-22T09:48:00.000-06:00

follow me on Twitter

My New "Black Friend"

2008-11-07T07:10:00.005-06:00

Obama is now President. And I voted for him. I'm proud of that. However, I'm totally sick of everyone focusing so much on his race. "Let's give ourselves a big pat on the back, we elected a black guy!" That's not why I voted for him, or why he will be one of our most remembered leaders. Hell, I think Obama's race has nothing to do with how historic an election this was. We would've voted Jesse Jackson in if we just wanted to make a symbolic pick as a people to demonstrate that we can move on from our history. I think to those of us who truly supported Barack, his skin color had nothing to do with it. Were he Asian, or Latino, or (*gasp*) white, we still would've voted for him. It's not about his race, and I wish the goddamn media would stop highlighting this one aspect of a man who I believe will be a great leader. I really think talking so much about the fact that he is black cheapens this.

I voted for an idea, for hope. I have never been so excited about a candidate (and in my long voting career, I've voted for three: Nader, Kerry, Obama). I believe in him and hope we can get over oursleves as a country. Who gives a flying horse turd if he's black? (Or half black or whatever.) He's the kind of person I believe will truly change the way our country operates, for the better.

This is the new "black friend" excuse. In the past, when you accused a caucasian of being a racist, the trump card was, "But I have black friends," or, "I once considered dating a black chick." I really hope that Obama isn't the new "black friend" to white America. "Hey, man, you're a racist." "No way, I voted for Obama."

Instead, how about we just treat him like the man he is: an eloquent, intelligent, confident, strong leader. Let's just leave the whole black thing alone.

Congratulations, President Obama.

I "Barack-ed" The Vote

2008-11-04T18:01:00.002-06:00

Back after All These Days...

2008-07-07T17:01:00.005-05:00

Wow. I didn't realize I was gone for a month. Why? Tutoring. We get really slow in the summer and I usually blog while doing my online tutoring. This past month, I've only been getting weird hours (like 2AM-4AM, stuff like that) because we rotate the schedule so everyone gets a chance at normal hours. Needless to say, my blogging has suffered. News:

My, My 4th Of July (a po-em)
Burgers, beer, bean bags, and
Sunshine, and sunscreen, and sunburn and
Family, friends, food, fun, and
Fireflies and fireworks and firelight and
Drunk.

We also got a new car. "Hey, aren't you strapped for cash?" you might say. Well, actually, yes, very much so. My wife got laid off for the Summer, and, the aforementioned reduction in tutoring means less money in the house. We actually ended up with a larger car for the same money thanks to Chevrolet's 0% financing deal.

We got a Chevy HHR. It's truly sweet and I got a great deal on it. We traded in the old car, on which we still owed about $5100, and actually came out ahead. How does one do that? Well, you make them appraise the car before you tell them how much you owe. Then, they give you $6100 for the car, and there's your down payment. We actually got a sweet special edition (called the Shadow Edition) with a moon roof. We've never had a moon roof, and I must say, it's nice. But, I stil don't know the difference between moon and sun roofs.

It's an anomaly of measurement. It's 8 inches shorter than my wife's old car, but has more front and rear legroom and twice the cargo space. Here's a pic (hijacked from 'tinternet, but exactly what our new ride looks like).

Hope all's well with everyone. I'll try to get on here more, but I will probably not really pick up to regularity until the fall.

Piece.

Hacker Pschorr

2008-06-15T06:26:00.001-05:00

Suck one!

http://www.thedifferenceisinside.com/weisse.php

Dancin' In the Dark or Powerless

2008-06-09T17:01:00.005-05:00

Saturday was my daughter's 3rd birthday party (her actual birthday was Sunday.) A good time was being had by all when it began to rain. We moved the party into the garage. Good tunes, good beer, good pizza, things were good. Then, the tornado sirens went off. Checking the news, there were tornadoes spotted to the southeast of us. We were under a serious warning.

Most of the party moved to the basement, while some of the guys stayed outside, observing the impressive cloud formations rolling in to our area. Finally, a funnel cloud was spotted close by and all the stragglers hightailed it to the basement where we waited out the storm while one of us got wheather updates on her smart phone. All of the sudden, the power goes off for the first time since we've lived here. I scrambled for flashlights and the storm passed. Sounds scary, huh?

We then found out that a tornado passed directly through my town, Monee, IL , about 6 blocks north of me. Video here: http://www.imadeamesss.com/2008/06/tornado-in-monee-il.html (I didn't shoot the video, by the way. I was cowering in the basement. Also, the guy in the video has a really strong midwestern-Chicago accent. I think I speak a little less Dennis Franz-ey than that. Also, again, by the way, the tornado was an F-2, so the guy was pretty close.) It destroyed two high-tension towers causing massive damage. We didn't have power from 6:00PM on Saturday until 8AM on Monday. I was keeping my basement dry and my food cold via a generator. Damn you expensive gas!

Sunday, we took my daughter to see Kung Fu Panda. It was her birthday and we wanted to keep it as normal as possible, considering we had no power. By the way, that movie was awesome. Jack Black was fantastic. The story line was creative, and surprising. I give it an A-.

Anyway, Happy Birthday, Addy. Thanks for weathering the storm, don't pardon the pun.

Silversun Pickups - Lazy Eye

2008-06-03T17:38:00.001-05:00

I heard this song in a clothing store and realized I had it on my iPod. Ever since I discovered it was there, I've got the entire album, and have become absolutely enchanted with the song. The first time it was cool, the second time it was amazing, the third time I was enchanted. Honestly. It gets even better if you know the words. You can find the lyrics here: http://www.lyricsdir.com/silversun-pickups-lazy-eye-lyrics.html.
Honestly, don't worry about the video, just listen. My new favorite song. I am listening to it for the 300,000th time as I post this.

My Grandmother Also Makes a Mean Pumpkin Pie

2008-06-01T07:41:00.003-05:00

This very honestly may be he funniest thing I've ever seen. It's a Japanese girl giving "One Point English Lessons."

You really must watch the entire thing. I promise it only gets better and better and better. Also, my post title will make sense

My Shitty Weekend

2008-05-27T18:45:00.004-05:00

Well, tomorrow's my Golden birthday and I'll be working all day. B.O.O.H.O.O.

Also, I went camping this past weekend. It was fun until Sunday night. One of my dogs started coughing and wheezing, then turning blue. We took him to an emergency vet at 1AM. His trachea collapsed. They fixed him up overnight and charged us just over $500. We were driving home (we were still in Indiana where we were camping) and he started up again. Long story short, he had to be put to sleep. Much sadness in the Gross household. :_(

However, we're trying to normalize. My wife is taking it the hardest. He was pretty much her dog. I bought him for her when we were 18. I thought taking a dog to get put down would be no big deal, but it's really tough to watch your little dog suffer, then get euthanized while you hold him. Yes, I cried. Normally, I'm very good with death, but it was too much to watch him die right in front of me.

You Know What Freaks Me Out?

2008-05-15T19:49:00.003-05:00

The fact that the world is so fucked up right now. Gas is $4.09 a gallon, wars and famine are all over. I try to just live my daily life, but if I stop and think about the economy and what's going on all over, and how doomed we all are, I get panicky. Seriously, I just want to stop paying all my bills and build a cabin in the woods and start living off the land like my ancestors. It has to be better than the so-called "advantages of the modern age." So what I can access the internet from anywhere? Big deal. Can I shoot and skin a rabbit? Can I build a log cabin? Seriously, the world is just about to move on while we watch.

Like Old Job

2008-05-12T16:57:00.004-05:00

Remember this post where I talked about having three potential jobs? Then there was this post in which I chronicled my acceptance of a position at an Insurance Software company? I took the lowest-paying job three miles from home because, basically, they were the only ones to offer me a job.

Now, the place that is a little further away, pays twice as much as I'm getting paid now has called to see if I'm still interested (over two months later). It involves a ton more responsibility, as I would be the head of the Training Department. They originally told me that they were restructuring the department, and that they wouldn't be hiring me at that time. I thought that was a nice way to say, "You didn't get the job, dude." I guess not.

So, I told them I was still interested. However, I'm super happy where I am. I might be happy there, too. I don't know what to do. Since they haven't offered me a job or anything, I guess I'll just stay open to the possibility.

Here are some things, by the way, that I can say now that I work where I work:

-"I totally kicked my brother-in-law's ass at beanbags today at work..." (I got him a job there.)
-"So we were having beers after the company-wide meeting..."
-"Yesterday, while I was getting my chair massage..."
-"Yes, I would love to join the lunchtime ping-pong tournament!"
-"Did you get your Hooters discount card?"
-"Hey, where did you get the free snowcone?"
-"Damn, I can't wait for pretzel day!"
-"Let's snort coke in the VP's office." (Just kidding)
-

There's a Brain in Everything

2008-05-05T16:57:00.001-05:00

I used to love this show, and now I remember why:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=638QptMja40

PS, can't get the HTML code links from YouTube anymore, and the option to post directly to Blogger sucks. Any suggestions?

It's Really Just a Very Mild Poision

2008-04-23T20:32:00.003-05:00

Man,

"There's something about, like, six beers that just makes my damn day."

Jesus, I almost sound like an alcoholic. Good thing I only get drunk like once a quarter.

A Few Things...

2008-04-14T20:18:00.004-05:00

1. Legal Age Life at Variety Store. Find it. Listen to it. It's fantastic. (By The Rheostatics)
2. I can't wait for it to get nicer so I can ride my bike to work. (But I'd really like a new bike for my birthday (May 28th, my golden birthday this year!)
3. I got my BIL (that's brother-in-law) a job at my new office. If he stays for 120 days, I get a little bonus. Bonus!
4. I'm bringing the phrase "Right On!" out of vintage. It's now acceptable, and even cool, to use the term again. Begin using it all the time. You have my ok.
5. My throat hurts. I talk too loud and too much when I teach a Microsoft class. (Yay Macros!)
6. Getting paid semimonthly instead of biweekly sucks. It's tough to get used to.
7. Typing my name (Jake) in Google returns 1 million gay ass pictures of Jake Gyllenhall. Awesome.

There's Nothing Quite Like...

2008-04-03T20:12:00.008-05:00

A newly strung guitar.

"There's nothing quite like _____," Fill in that blank.
Note: You are not allowed to say, "My kids," "My Spouse," or "My significant other," or any form thereof. We know there's nothing quite like them, but what else do you just love?

Overheard at the Insurance Technology Company (The 1st Collection)

2008-03-27T18:00:00.009-05:00

Most of these are taken entirely out of context (some aren't):

Wheat Hater -"Wheat toast? I mean, really. The jelly actually runs away."

Tech -"Who made popcorn? It smells like ass."
Boss - "I did."
Tech -"Oh. Can I have a piece?"
Boss - "So you want a piece of ass?"

VD Lady - "Yes. It itches, but it's not infected. The red spots are actually kind of cute."

Bitch -"Seriously, those fuckers are retarded."

Witty, Somewhat Racist Observer - "Why do they always make the Asian girl set up the ping-pong table? Is that, like, racial profiling? Anyway, she kicked my ass at ping-pong. It's unfair."

Dorky Tech on phone to customer -"Grab your little dog, call the Tin Man, Scarecrow, and Cowardly Lion; we're going on an adventure!"

Same Dorky Tech (again) -"Give me a hammer and a screwdriver, and watch out! Put me in front of a computer, and I can work miracles!"

Written on White Board outside Cubicle - "If you see the Fred, the green turtle, please let me know. I'm worried sick. I will be back on the 31st." (If you don't get why that's the funniest one here, comment and I'll explain it...)

Visit http://www.overheardintheoffice.com/ for better stuff...

Unknown Caller

2008-03-17T18:07:00.003-05:00

A stranger calling;
A tintinabulation
Sings a Beatles song.

Like what you're reading? Get regular haikus at A Haiku For No One.

Useless Graphs

2008-03-10T18:23:00.004-05:00

For Leezer, the useless graph on my cube wall:

Close up on the key:

You will notice that for the 2008 projection, the incidences of useless graphs on cube walls has overtaken both meetings and presentations. I like to think I've taken part in that.

To note: Only one person has questioned me about the graph, and she honestly thought it was a serious statistic (I work in the Education and Statistics of the Support dept.)

Re-Mod

2008-03-04T18:08:00.012-06:00

Don't ever let anyone tell you that grouting tile is easy, and any beginner can do it with minimal instruction. It's a lie. A boldface, italicface, underlineface, superscriptface lie.

Anyway, my wife and I have been going through a re-model of our master bathroom. We had some really nasty vinyl tile that the builder installed, and some ugly doors and trim. Let me show you the old tile.

Shiny, nasty, and cheap-o. You can see one spot where I had to repair a hole in the old tile with caulk. I think our builder stole it from a homeless guy. We also painted the trim white (they used to be a surreal orange-ish brown color), changed the door hinges and handle to a beautiful brushed nickel from a very gaudy brass, and changed the faucet. The final two projects in that room are relatively easy: change the light fixture (we've already bought the light, I just need to install it), and trimming out the mirror.

Here's the new floor:

And here's a close-up:

I can say that, literally, blood, sweat, and tears went into this project. While we are still married, my wife and I proved our earlier theory that we do not work together well.

Peace in.

Edit: I'm done trying to make the formatting work in this post, by the way. Sorry, I just don't have any Blogger patience today...

The Workstation Has Eyes

2008-02-26T19:40:00.003-06:00

And there's a completely useless graph on the screen for Leezer. I'm going to print it and put it up. On one of the walls of my cube. I'm going to label it "Reports With No Apparent Meaning (By Month)."

Also, that's right, I have a cube. No more huge office with an actual door, but a cube again. Worse yet, I have a cube partner. I haven't met her yet, so she could be delightful. However, my cube shares a wall with two support techs. All I hear all day is, "Well, did you try to restart the machine? Ok. Let me see if there's a hotfix on file..." I'm going to learn our client systems by just listening to the techs next door.

Also also, I attended a Microsoft Access class today, and assisted teaching it, even though the last time I used Access was in 1998 on Windows 95. I'm going to a 2-day Access seminar next week, so I'll be good after that, I think. They want me to get my MOS (Microsoft Office Specialist) Certification. I'm excited about that...

Laters.

Job, Day One (Recap)

2008-02-25T18:42:00.003-06:00

- "Here's your PC." (Points to a stack of Dell boxes and smiles.) "Have fun."
- "You have a dual monitor. Most people can't set it up. Oh, you got it set up? Nice."
- "We're taking you out to lunch."
- "You're helping me teach a Microsoft Access tomorrow. In the history of this company, we've never made anyone start teaching on their second day."
- "Oh, and you're teaching PowerPoint Level 1 by yourself on Thursday. Here's the guide."
- "Here's the coffee. We brew only Dunkin Donuts." (We're owned by the conglomerate that owns Dunkin Donuts.)
- *Me setting up my Outlook account* "Holy sh*t! 144 messages and I've been here for a day!"
- "Oh, yeah, you need to set up some rules in your mailbox."
- "Can we call you 'Jake?'"

Words of Wisdom (Digital Doodles Volume 3)

2008-02-20T09:04:00.006-06:00

Click on the thumbnail for a larger image.

Just Like (Update)

2008-02-15T13:34:00.003-06:00

I have a job.

I studied all night for my drug test, learning the difference between narcotics and hallucinogens, penalties for violating drug laws, and the effects of various substances on the body. I sharpened three pencils and showed up. Can you believe that they made me pee in a cup, and then didn't give me a quiz? I must have peed really impressively because I passed!

Job #1 called on Wednesday to tell me that they are going through "Organizational Changes" and that the job I interviewed for is now "on hold." However, I was assured I am still being considered for it, once they decide to move forward. I can tell you now that the job would've been the Development Manager for a casino in Indiana.

Job #3 is weird. I called, just to touch base, and make contact. Then, a recruiter called me back on behalf of the person I called and said that they are still making a decision. She seemed curt. I was just being proactive. Shit.

Job #2 is where I start on the 25th. It's an Insurance Technology Company. I'll be the Technical Information Specialist, which means...well, it's not totally clear. I'll be doing some training (they want to get me Microsoft Certified), I'll be doing some IT-ish work, corporate communications will go through me, to ensure accuracy and clarity, and I will learn a lot of other people's jobs, so that I can back them up, as well as help them to do their jobs more efficiently. It's 2 miles from my house. When it's nice out, I'm going green and riding my bike to work. I'm sure that, being a technology company, blogging from work is out of the question, but, being so close, I can spend some time every morning blogging, so it will work out.

They didn't budge on the insurance thing (4 month wait), but I guess I can just buy a temporary policy for the interim.

I gave my notice here today. What I'm feeling is the definition of bittersweet.

:)

(Just Like) Starting Over

2008-02-07T11:46:00.000-06:00

I've been busy.

If you remember, I had two posts (#1 and #2) about losing my job. I'm still losing my job, but here's an update:

A. I've been interviewing with 3 companies.

2. With one company, I've gotten up to a 3rd interview, but haven't heard from them since my last interview, a week ago. If I get this job, I'd be the Development Manager for a very large company, and sit on an Executive Board. Translation: $$. Pros: Probably double my current salary. Cons: I'll probably work 60 hour weeks, and be solely responsible for the success of all training and development throughout the entire company. That's scary.

III. With another company, I actually have a job offer. The money's about the same, but they're less than 2 miles from my house. This job will allow me to do some training, but to also develop tech skills by learning lots of different peoples' jobs within the company. I'd be a Technical Information Specialist. Pros: Very close commute. Stable, strong company. Cons: No major increase in pay. 4 month waiting period for insurance. (Holy sheet!). However, we're in negotiations now. This is an awesome company, and I've applied there before, so this is a great opportunity. I just want all the details to be right.

D. With the 3rd company, I've been on one interview, but this job involves pretty much no training. It's working as an Instructional Designer. I met everyone in the department, and it went really well, but I'm waiting for a call back. Pros: No more conducting training classes. Cons: No more conducting training classes.

So, that's my job search in a nutshell. I'll definitely have a job before March. That's really good. Still, I'm going to miss this place.

A final note. I've worked in banking for 10 years, and none of these 3 places has anything remotely to do with a bank. :) I'm done with all the mergers and uncertainty.

Worst Pickup Line Ever

2008-02-01T10:59:00.000-06:00

"Girl, you so fine, you make me wanna eat pistachio ice cream out 'cho butt."

(Also, it really makes you giggle if you imagine Tracy Morgan saying it.)

Can you do better? (or worse)

It Takes a Lot to Shock Me With Celebrity News

2008-01-22T18:51:00.000-06:00

Heath Ledger is dead.

I totally didn't see that coming. I don't think anyone really saw it coming. I really thought Britney would be first. I still want to see him play The Joker in Batman.

Story.

Video.

Digital Doodles Vol 2: Birds, Worms, Dead Rats

2008-01-18T15:10:00.000-06:00

Click the thumbnail for a larger image.

Donations accepted. Leave some money in the comments.

My Introduction to the World of Cartoon-ing

2008-01-17T11:23:00.000-06:00

Yep. I'm an MS Paint Cartoonist now. (I promise, I won't quit my day job until my severance date.)

Click each thumbnail for a larger version.

Peace out and in and out and in.

I'm Now a One-Star General in the Dad Battalion, Bravo Company

2008-01-15T08:07:00.000-06:00

On Sunday, while we were eating dinner, I saw my daughter spit on the floor. I walked over to her (to reprimand her for spitting on the floor) when I saw copious amounts of upchuck on our living room carpet, and a bewildered look on my daughter's face. I quickly grabbed her under the armpits (taking care to point the child away from me, to preserve the integrity of my uniform) and brought her to the bathroom.

"It's O.K., honey, just puke in there," I said, gesturing to the toilet.

Imagine, if you will, a little girl, about 3 feet tall, standing roughly one foot from the base of a toilet. Now imagine a scared look on her face, with eyes bugging out, as she shoots a perfect stream of bile-scented vomit across that 12 inch expanse and lands it perfectly in the commode. Talk about aim!

This was my first experience with projectile vomit, and my daughter's first time being this violently sick to her stomach. My wife, heaving and on the brink of vomiting herself, valiantly volunteered to grab the Little Green Machine and clean the carpet while I gave the kid a bath. (Her reasoning was that I would probably not do such a great job on cleaning detail, and she was probably correct in that assumption.) As soon as the stomach-emptying-procedure ceased, I took all her pukey clothes off and brought her up to the bath.

Meanwhile, back on the war-torn battlefield, my wife soaked the carpet with some unknown foam, let it set, and then began sucking up chunks of olives and popcorn (two of a certain little Corporal's favorite snacks) in a gooey chocolate milk sauce. She worked with the diligence and energy of a true pro.

While in the bath, the kid couldn't be happier. "I puked. My belly got sick and I puked in the toilet and on the floor. Can I play with my duckies?" Kids are funny.

After the bath (and a thorough tooth-brushing) we returned downstairs to see how Major General Mommy was faring on battlefield cleanup. All of the debris was cleaned up, but there was a faded brown stain on our light-colored carpet. "Smell this spot," my commanding officer ordered me (at this point, I was a lowly Brigadier General, but that would soon change).

"Still smells like puke, ma'am."

"I know that, maggot. There's also a light stain here." (OK, this isn't how she said it, but I imagine that, in the military, everyone calls his subordinates "maggot.")

I needed to make a run to the grocery store anyway, to pick up some Pedialite, or a comparable product, and some crackers, so I suggested that I could pick up some powerful artillery from the armory to combat the carpet.

I returned home, bags in hand. I brought the kid some pediatric electrolyte (like Gatorade for sick little girls), some 7-Up (because we always got 7-Up when I got sick as a kid), some Saltines, and a green teddy bear. This action (the teddy bear), coupled with my actions on the field of battle earlier that evening brought my rank up past Major General, past Lt. General, directly to General. I was given one star, and the Green Teddy medal of sensitivity. My wife got promoted as well, for successfully ridding our carpet of any odors or stains. However, she got two stars because she's the boss.

You can't plan for these types of ambush battles. They just happen. This is why we must stay alert at all times. Corporal Addy has been instructed that, in the future, she should try to puke in the toilet, and promises to comply with this order.

"I loathe the smell of bile and chocolate milk in the evening."

Topical Pop-Culture Witicism #4022

2008-01-11T07:57:00.000-06:00

Jed, Granny, Ellie May, and Jethro had it all wrong...

Britney Spears is what really happens when you give money to hillbillies.

Evidence of Global Warming?

2008-01-07T18:42:00.000-06:00

You tell me. It's January 7th, it was 70 degrees today (it's 65 now), and we've had tornado watches all evening. Up north, near the Wisconsin, a tornado actually did touch down and stayed down for like 30 miles. I live somewhere inside the black circle I so expertly drew on the map (between Chicago Heights and Kankakee). I've got lightning, 80 mph winds, and buckets of rain. I'm supposed to be shoveling snow and wearing a sweater. Perhaps it's not global warming. Maybe it's just El Niño coming back. We haven't seen him for a while. Who knows.

Love, peace, and chicken grease,

Jake

Apparently, Music Has Genes

2008-01-07T09:00:00.000-06:00

A while back, someone told me about The Music Genome Project. I can't remember who it was, or when it was, but I gave it a quick glance, and then forgot about it. For some reason, it popped back into my head. (Ok, the reason is that my wife was bored at work so I put some of our DVDs on my iPod and let her take it so she could watch movies at work to pass the time.) I visited the site and realized how awesome it is.

So, what you do is type in the name of a song or artist you like. For my first one, I very predictably picked The Beatles. The first song they play is an example of typical Beatles music, and it also tells you The Beatles' "genetic footprint." It gives qualities such as "a mix of electric and acoustic guitar," and "strong harmonizing male vocals." After the first song, it will play a mix of Beatles music, and other bands who have a similar genetic footprint. I got The Who, Queen, The Kinks, etc. Very cool. All music that I love, but nothing new. I tend to be very into 60's and 70's rock, but I have trouble getting into new music.

My aim was to hear something new. I don't know if you're like me, but I get pretty stuck on particular bands, and I don't really like to listen to popular radio. In my opinion, very little good new music is played on the radio. I'm not really into Fergie or Soulja Boy. My musical taste is very ecletic and particular. I'll rock out some Public Enemy, then blow in the wind with Bob Dylan. I get referred a lot of great bands by friends, but lately, those recommendations have tapered off. My old system got me into Bright Eyes, The Shins, Sufjan Stephens, and Iron and Wine, to name a few of my "modern favorites." I was hoping the new system could build on that.
So, for my second "station," I put in The Shins, and let 'er rip. So Says I came up first, as the example of The Shins' style. It couldn't be more spot on. That song pretty much defines them. Then, I got some cool matches, like Weezer, who I love. It also introduced me to The Kooks, who I've learned are awesome plus 7. Very good stuff. There were a few other good matches as well. Who even knew A.C. Newman existed, or was good? Then, you can create a free account and save all of your stations. Good stuff.

Then, after creating a few more stations, I noticed a "Quick Mix" option, which allows you to shuffle your stations together. Awesome! Now I can listen to selections from all my stations, mixed together. I'll tell you, the 2 Live Crew station mixed with the Raffi and Cher stations is my personal favorite.

Go check it out at http://www.pandora.com/. It's a great way, in my opinion, to broaden your musical horizons, and is a great way to listen to music when your wife borrows your iPod to watch Sweet Home Alabama at work.

My First Ever Drunk Post

2007-12-31T21:33:00.000-06:00

My New Years Resolution(s):

Keep not smoking crack.
Keep not being a celebrity that doesn't wear underpants and has crotch shots all over the internets because my package is nothing to write home about.

Keep blogging.

Happy New Years! I hope everyone can drink 6 Blue Moons and sneak off to post something terrible. Word.

Happy Xmas!

2007-12-24T10:32:00.000-06:00

Happy Christmas to you and yours! I hope it's a good one. I hope everyone loves what you got them. I also hope Santa doesn't sleep with your wives (or husbands, for that matter...who really knows how Kris Kringle Swings!).

The World's Crappiest Christmas Present and Christmas Question #3

2007-12-21T09:25:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I officially found out that I will definitely be losing my job. As a result of the merger between my employer and the new bank, my job will be eliminated. It's not all bad. Here are the details, as quoted directly from my "Severance Letter":

1. Your last day of employment will be two months following the final day of the conversion of H------- Bank into O-- S----- Bank, tentatively scheduled for March 8, 2008. Please be aware that regulatory activities and other issues may result in this date being modified slightly. (This means that I have a job until at least May 8th).

2. Assuming you sign a release and remain through the time specified in No. 1, you will be given a separation package which includes the following:
-One week of salary continuation. (Holy shit, that sucks! Only 1 week?)
-Medical insurance during the salary continuation. (OK, so one week of insurance. Thanks.)
-A "Stay Bonus" in the amount of $5,000, subject to tax withholding. (OK, that's not too bad.)

The rest is just blah blah blah. I didn't really want to stay with the new company, anyway, seeing as the travel is just far, far, far too much for me, but I still would've liked the security of knowing I had a job to go to so I can continue to pay my bills. I've already started the new job search, but no one hires right before the holidays, so it's just more waiting.

I also got my review, and my boss had promised at my 6 month review that she would, and I quote, "take care of" me. I got a phenomenal review. You cannot score higher than I did. 4 out of 4 in every category, with little that needs to be improved upon. I was then told that my increase would be $1500 a year because the new bank placed a cap on raises, and my raise was actually slightly over that cap. Thanks. If I were hourly, that would be about 75 cents an hour. Way to "take care of me." I think Burger King gives bigger raises to their employees.

So, Happy Christmas to you, hopefully you get a better present than a severance letter and a raise that doesn't reflect the quality and quantity of hard work you put in for a year.

Jesus, this whole post was bitter and negative. I suck.

Update: As I'm writing this post, my boss calls me (weird) and says that Bob D., the HR Manager at the new bank just emailed her that they may actually be retracting the severance letter, and offering me "an opportunity that will also mitigate some of the travel issues." I think that means that they may create a job for me that doesn't require that I travel out to sunny Aurora IL every day of the week. However, he also told her that they won't know for sure until after January 1st.

I leave work today at 2PM, and will be on vacation until January 2nd. I was actually somewhat relieved to have received the severance letter, just so I know exactly when I was gone, and didn't' have that "fear of the unknown," but now I've just got all that unknown going on again. This is the most organic post I've ever written, as the information contained in it actually changed as I wrote it.

Happy Christmas! I definitely plan to blog during my nice vacation in between playing with all my daughter's new toys.

Oh, and here's your question of the day:

"Do these pants make my butt look big?" If this person has a big butt, do you say "Yes," or "No, your butt makes those pants look small."

Pitcher / Catcher or Christmas Question #2

2007-12-20T14:47:00.000-06:00

Really,

really,

really,

honestly....

Is it better to give than to receive?

Be honest.

Are You a Master Debator? or Christmas Question #1

2007-12-17T07:57:00.000-06:00

Question:

Is it better to get people things they want for Christmas, as opposed to getting them things they need?

Let me put that another way:

Do you think the gift's recipient is more excited to get a new 12-pack of tube socks when all their socks are worn out and holier than the pope, or the bluetooth cellphone/MP3 player/camera/coffee grinder/tube sock warmer?

I Still Exist

2007-12-15T06:36:00.000-06:00

It's true. I've just been out at the new bank all week training. I still haven't been offered a job, but they want me to help them with conversion, so I have to learn their teller training.

I had to get up at 4:45 every day so I could work out and be on the road by 6 AM. I got to drive 60 miles (each way) every day to sunny Aurora, IL, which, coincedentally, happens to be the home of Wayne and Garth. I really wanted to find Mikita's donut shop so Ed O'Neill could tell me war stories, but there wasn't time. One day, due to traffic on a tollway, it took me 2 hours to get there. Fun times!

The training was OK. The trainer was really nice, and a good trainer, but I've trained this stuff for years, so the only thing I was interested in was getting a look at their computer systems. They are actuall a step backward from what my current employer has, but easy to use. Then, I had 4 days of boring crap that I've taught over and over and over and over. Here's a recap:

Blah blah The Bank Secrecy Act blah

Regulation P take a long bathroom break

Write some haiku Required Items for Negotiability on a Monetary Instrument

Daydream The Community Reinvestment Act

Doodle in your notebook Robbery Procedures

Fall asleep Check Fraud

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I promise to post every day next week. Or, at least one interesting post on Monday that you can read all week. I will also catch up with my blogroll and leave some comments.

Imagine

2007-12-07T08:41:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow marks the 27th anniversary of the assassination of John Lennon. I think his Christmas Message is especially relevant this year.

(video contains some disturbing war images)

Happy Christmas, everyone, and have a great weekend.

Happy (Green) Hanukkah

2007-12-05T07:46:00.001-06:00

Today is the first day of Hanukkah, or Chanukah, depending on whether you prefer H's and extra K's, or C's and limited K's. (Or, in actuality, whether you're from the US or not.)

However, I heard that Hanukkah is going green, or at least attempting to. There is a group of Israeli environmentalists encouraging folks to light one less candle during the Festival of Lights. Their argument is that each candle produces 15 grams of carbon dioxide, an insignificant amount by itself, but when you consider eight nights of candle burning for the millions of Jewish households around the world, they say it will "do significant damage to the atmosphere."

I was puzzled by this. Years ago, when I explored religion, in an attempt to find one that suited me, I learned that the candles on the Hanukkia (the menorah-esque candelabrum lit during Hanukkah) actually stand for something. I'm not going to get too much into the story, but it involves a container of oil that should've only burned for one day miraculously staying lit for eight days. (This is also why it lasts "eight crazy nights.")

Wouldn't skipping one of the candles cheapen the ceremony? Tom Wegner, one of the founders of the Green Hanukkah movement says, "There are many people who just light candles for the tradition and for their children. To tell a child on the eighth day that we are not lighting the last candle as a sacrifice for the environment is an act that is not only educational but also will prevent the release of a huge amount of carbon dioxide that would hurt the environment." He also suggests not lighting the shamash, the central candle in the Hanukkia that is used to light the other 8 candles, as it is not absolutely necessary for the ceremony.

As I've expressed in previous posts, I do believe that global warming exists, and that we (human beings) are at least partly responsible. However, is this going too far? Should members of a millenia-old religion alter their religious ceremony? This seems a little ridiculous.

I have a better solution. I did some math. Each breath we take emits 200 mg of carbon dioxide. That means, for every 5 breaths we take, that's 1 gram of carbon emissions. So, for every 75 breaths we take, that's 15 grams of carbon emissions, equal to the emissions of one candle. The average person breathes 15 times a minute. So, if during Hanukkah, my Jewish brothers and sisters can all hold their breaths for five minutes each, you can keep lighting candles, and still feel like you did something to save the environment without corrupting a tradition that has been practiced for centuries upon centuries.

Or, maybe you can get a special Hanukkah deal on carbon credits.

Source: The Jerusalem Post (click the link for the full article)

Happy Hanukkah!

Your Government at Work

2007-12-04T15:40:00.000-06:00

Do you want to do something fun?

Go to the US Postal Service Website and try to figure out how much one stamp costs. Not a bulk package, or a postcard, or First-Class mail to Bali. Just the price of one stamp. This should be easy, right?

I wasn't sure if it was 39 or 41 cents, as I pay all my bills through my bank's electronic billing service. After 2 minutes I couldn't find it, so I decided to see how much navigating I would have to do before I found the answer. I officially made it a rule that I couldn't just type "stamp" into the search term. (Although when I tried that after this experiment, I still had to find out by viewing a picture of a stamp.) After a total of 45 minutes, I just Googled it.

Wednesday Thursday Quotables (On Wishes...)

2007-11-29T08:33:00.000-06:00

I thought I might share with you how I do these. You know, give you a little insight to my creative process. First, I write my quote. Then, I find quotes by famous people on the same subject. Then, I find bad pictures to go with all of them. Finally, I put my quote last, as a tribute to all the greater minds who have thought my thoughts long before I thought them. (huh?) So, with no further interruption:

"Great minds have purposes; others have wishes. " - Washington Irving

"A man will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part of his body - the wishbone." - Robert Frost

"Many of us spend half our time wishing for things we could have if we didn't spend half our time wishing." - Alexander Woollcott
"If wishes were horses beggars might ride." English Proverb

"Wish in one hand, shit in the other; see which fills up quicker." American Proverb

"Sitting on your ass and wishing for great things generally yields two results: hemorrhoids and disappointment. Getting off your butt and doing great things can still be a pain in the ass, but is considerably less painful and significantly more satisfying." - Jacob Gross

Wednesday Quotables (On Reasoning...)

2007-11-21T08:12:00.001-06:00

"El sueño de la razón produce monstruos" - Francisco Goya

“Who reasons wisely is not therefore wise; His pride in reasoning, not in acting, lies.” -Alexander Pope

"The key to mankind's ascendancy in this world has been his ability to think and reason. However, mankind's penchant for intellectual hubris often leads him to overuse this gift in situations where instinct and quick action are imperative." - Jacob Gross

Stupid People Are Easily Amused

2007-11-16T08:25:00.000-06:00

On Tuesday, I have a meeting with the Training Manager at the new bank. If anything, this will give me sort of an idea how long my drive will be. I'm bringing anything I've created since I've been at this bank, and just trying to keep myself employed.

I've also started the networking process. A woman I work for is married to a Senior VP of a company that I've wanted to work at for a while. It's about 2 miles from my house. I applied there last year, went through this crazy application process (aptitude tests, 4 interviews, design a sample web-based program) and didn't' get the job. 12 months later, that same job still isn't filled. Plus, this woman says her husband is going to need someone in his department around the same time the sale of the bank is set to be finalized. The nice thing is that this company is not in the banking industry. I've been itching to get out of banking for a while. Regardless, I've written quite a few letters of inquiry that are going to be delivered to community banks in the area. I started here and created a training program for my current employer, a community bank, from scratch. I'm sure some of the little 5-branch banks would be eager to have me.

I'm just hoping I can finally work for a company where I'm surrounded by people who are at least intellectual equals to myself. I am usually pretty modest about it, but I tend to have mundane conversations with everyone I work with because that's all they care about. "Did you hear about that guy who may have murdered his 4th wife?" "Gas sure is expensive." "It's windy outside." Just for once, I'd like to have a discussion about something meaningful like the effects of 18th century industrialization on the greater world economy of today. I bring in my week-old copies of Time magazine (not exactly the fountainhead of intellectual stimulation, but at least it's not Cat Fancy) and no one reads them. I would love to just be able to discuss something I read in there with someone.

My intellect is a novelty around here. Seriously. I'm known as the guy who knows everything. Don't know the answer to some mundane piece of trivia? Google Jake. (That's the cute term they've started to use.)

The sad thing is that I have the answer 90% of the time, and I can't help but share it. It would be nice to work in an environment where I could have an intellectually stimulating and intellectually challenging conversation once in a while. Instead, I just smile and talk about the weather.

I must admit, though, sometimes it's nice to enjoy bits of entertainment that makes Idiocracy begin to look like true reality. CLICK HERE FOR MINDLESS HILARITY.

Where Have I Been?

2007-11-08T09:57:00.000-06:00

I've been a bad blogger. I've not been on your sites, or my site, or anywhere. Why? Well, I haven't been shy about sharing personal details, and I don't intend to start now.

I work for a bank. It's a small, community bank. It's like 15 minutes from home. I run the training department. The pay's O.K., but I love this job. Not just like, not "I'm fond of it," but Love with a capital L. It couldn't be better. Also, our bank is employee-owned, and after I've been here a year, I stand to start getting a significant portion of our stock allocated to me each year. I've only been here about 10 months, but I'm coming up on becoming eligible. This is good because if our little bank ever gets bought, I'll become Rich, with a capital R. (Lots of capital letters here.)

On Monday, at about 3:30 P.M., there was a mandatory bank-wide meeting called. Everyone had to attend, and they would teleconference the branches together. Immediately, I got worried. Are we being bought? Why else would they have this big meeting? Maybe one of our aging executives is retiring. Yeah, maybe that's it.

Tuesday comes. I'm sitting in a chair as our CEO says, "In 1995, Blank Bank became employee-owned. Our stock has grown..." Immediately I knew. We're being bought. My fears were confirmed. Me, who left a pretty steady job to come here. Me, who doesn't own any stock just yet. Some people cheered. Those who've been with us since 1995 are now, literally, multi-millionaires. I'll be lucky to still have a job.

The worst thing is that, if I impress our purchasers enough to convince them to keep me, I'll be headquartered at their main location, which is 55 or 60 miles from my house! Goodbye short commute and gas-friendly once-every-two-weeks fill up. I'll be back to gassing up twice a week again.

Silver lining: Most of the executives at my bank have plenty of contacts at other locally-headquartered banks. They know Training Executives, HR Managers, and other people who might be able to give me a job. Maybe this will be a good thing. I just hope I don't end up on my ass without a pot to shit in or a window to jump out of.

So, the merger will be finalized in March or April of '08. I should know within the next 4 weeks or so whether or not I will be kept after the conversion. I'm hoping they keep me through, and offer me an OK severance, even though I've only been here for about a year, or keep me. I'll take the job, if it means that my wife and kid can eat and sleep in a warm bed at night.

I'm just going to keep networking until then, so if I don't have a job, I'll at least have a new one lined up. Chin up!

Ode To the Hundred Grand (née $100,000) Bar

2007-11-01T08:22:00.000-05:00

Oh you bawdy caramel lady.
Lying bare, concupiscent and inviting
Beneath satin sheets of milk chocolate.

You expose a quivering slice of crispy rice
(Your naughty bits),
Inviting me to partake.

As you approach my eager lips
(quivering with anticipation),
I bare my teeth,
Part smile,
Part mastication ritual.

My tongue tastes your sweet chocolate,
And my full lips engulf your body.

I bite softly at first,
Anticipating gustatory arousal.

My teeth penetrate thin chocolate,
Pausing only briefly to sample crispy rice
Before they slide gently into sweet, sticky caramel.

I can't control myself.
I finish in a few embarassing seconds,
My tastebuds fully engorged.

I look forlornly at your discarded duds.
The wrapper I lustily removed before exposing you
In all your sweet, delicious glory.

I pick up your rumpled regalia,
Torn in the heat of passion,
And feel an inviting weight.

Your libertine twin sister winks at me and I'm alive again.

Happy Halloween!

2007-10-31T07:46:00.000-05:00

My plan to jump out of a garbage can and scare kids who come to my door might be ruined after this:

Two For The Road...(Or, Why You Should Start Watching QVC)

2007-10-29T11:24:00.000-05:00

Your Porno Machine Also Does Email!

Emergency Surgery in the Studio

...and How Was Your Weekend?

2007-10-29T08:15:00.000-05:00

Mine was one of the best in quite a while. Here's some details that you probably won't be interested in:

Saturday: No work. I took the entire day off. I had the good fortune of staying home with my daughter. We had some rare weekend one-on-one time. We played. She took a bath. I promised her the park when she was done in the bath. It was pretty cold (about 50 degrees F), so I gloved and hatted her up. It rained on Friday, so the park was pretty muggy. We couldn't go down the slide, but she spent about 45 minutes getting windburn while I pushed her on the swing (and not the baby-ass swing, either; oh, no, we rocked the "big girl swing.")

My wife came home and said that we could go to her place of employment for dinner. I like to meet people, so I obliged. Frantic bi-weekly grocery shopping ensued. We picked up my nephew, as he was going to partake in our Sunday morning activity. He was also happy to go to my wife's work, as he is a sports nut, and they are a sports performance training facility. On the way, my daughter said, "We're going to see Mommy's homework," over and over. We arrive. I shake some hands, meet some bosses, co-workers, and discover the basketball cout. Socializing over. I played ball for about an hour. Dinner was served. Mingling resumed. Dinner was finished, basketball with the nephew resumed. Wife comes and tells me I should go talk with her co-workers some more. I do. My nephew stays on the basketball court. Lights off in the gym are his cue that he's done playing.

Sunday: Zoo in the morning. This was the last day for "Boo at the Zoo." We met my brother and his wife there. We saw camels, kangaroos, pumpkins, witches. We ate lunch and tried to look menacing to the half-dozen geese begging for scraps. My daughter got her wish and went down the huge slides at the zoo's park. Penguins, lions and blue poison frogs, Oh My! I dragged the wagon, my wife snapped photos. I looked like I was saying "Cheese" just after getting hit in the head by a frying pan in every one. Monkeys, giraffes, polar bears, and porcupines were graced with our presence. We went home, the kid slept in the car.

We get home, eat dinner, the kid wakes up (although not in that order). "Let's carve pumpkins!" someone says. My daughter got to paint little pumpkins, and Daddy carved a face into a large one. Black marker made my outline, but I cut two teeth off like an accidental dentist with a mucky saw. My daughter's pumpkins looked like a two-year-old painted them. I guess that's pretty appropriate. Paint dries, and candles are lit. The sandman comes.

Dead Squirrels and the Human Condition

2007-10-24T10:42:00.001-05:00

The other day, while driving home, there was a dead squirrel in the road.

I don't know why, but I tried my hardest to avoid running it over.

I swerved sharply to the left, which actually caused me to run it over.

Although it was already dead, the disheartening thump from under my tire made me cringe a little, as though I had run it over while it was still alive. (And, I immediately thought, "I had to have just crushed his skull.")

Why do we do weird things like this? Some of us almost kill ourselves to avoid running over an already-dead rodent, but there are still others in this world who go out of their way to fire little bits of metal at each others' heads for reasons that are not entirely understood, and often purely ideological ("That's my turf!" "Revenge!" "In the name of Allah!" "This is for the USA!")

Some people sum it up by saying, "It takes all sorts." I don't think that's fair. Why does it take all sorts? Who says? Does senseless evil have to exist alongside mindless kindness?

I sum it up by saying that the human condition, and the meaning thereof, is the most arcane and unexplainable phenomenon in the universe. Science has tried for eons to explain it without much luck, and we are not much closer to a good theory. Instead of trying to explain the world as it is, and understand the great mystery of the human condition, why can't we strive for a world that could be, and alter the human condition? Then, we'd live in a world where everyone tries not to run over the dead squirrel, and no one tries to shoot little bits of metal into your gray matter for synthetic, spurious reasons.

Fuck Oprah's Books (The Return)

2007-10-19T12:58:00.000-05:00

I used to this section where I put a short story, or a link to one, on my site in protest of Oprah's books. I have a particular distaste for Oprah and the fact that she can singlehandedly put a book on the bestseller list, or have it taken off. So, I am going to recommend a book that is not featured on the New York Times Bestseller List.

While at the library last week, I wasn't quite sure what my weekly selection would be. I have been reading a lot of Stephen King because I really like his style of writing (it's not all spooks and rattling chains like people think), but I was up for a change. So, I visited the "New Releases" section, and this book caught my eye:

I know that there is an old adage about judging a book by its cover, but I've never heard one about judging a book by its title. When you see that a book is called An Arsonist's Guide to Writers' Homes in New England, naturally, you become intrigued. I read the jacket, and the story sounded OK, so I thought I'd give it a chance. I've just finished it, and I have to say that it was excellent. Very well written, humorous in all the right places, tragic in all the right places, and witty throughout. I've never heard of Brock Clarke, but I am now compelled to read another of his works.

Anyway, pick this book up. Buy it, check it out from the library, shoplift it, whatever. It's a good read.

Has anyone read any good books that they'd like to share? If so, go ahead and write your review on a $100 bill, and send it to me. I promise to publish it here. Just email me for my address. Or, you can just mention it in the comments.

Troubles...Updated

2007-10-17T11:18:00.000-05:00

A few months ago, I posted this about some financial difficulties my wife and I were going through. Everyone was so supportive and encouraging and I really appreciate that. I realized that my "Blogger Buddies" really are actual friends.

Now, for the update. My wife started work yesterday. She works at this place that trains athletes. It's not exactly like a gym because they do specific training for people in sports. Is seems kind of cool. (There's a long list of pro athletes who were trained with the company that I won't list here.) She answers phones and other various tasks. She said she was really bored yesterday, but I'm sure it'll pick up. The way she describes her bosses, they seem pretty laid back. Anyway, it's 3 days a week, in the evening, so we only have to have someone watch my kid for a few hours until I get home from work, which is a bonus. So there's that.

Next, I picked up a third job, that I absolutely L-O-V-E. I work for Tutor.com, and have been for the past few weeks. (This would be my 3rd job, in addition to another tutoring gig on Saturdays.) The online tutoring thing is pretty cool. It's all Internet based, I choose my hours, and I do it all right from home. It's a really easy way to make money without having to leave the house. I just listen to music, play guitar or something, and wait for a kid to need help. Then I help them. I get paid while I wait, and I get paid at a higher rate when I'm actually tutoring. Once I'm out of the probationary period, I'm going to quit the other tutoring job on Saturdays so I can spend more time with the family, and I can make up for those few hours through the online tutoring thing. Once the paychecks start to come in, we can catch up on the bills.

I just made sure, during the rough period that we paid the mortgage and the cars, and kept food in our bellies. I really only had to skip out on paying one credit card, and they have been hounding me, even though I told them my situation, and when they could expect payment, and even paid them a small sum so they knew that I wasn't trying to duck the bill. (That's a good pun.) However, it will be nice to pay up and even up with them, and not have to expect three phone calls every day asking when they are getting paid.

All in all, we're just about out of the woods. I didn't want to post this until my wife worked at least one day, so I wouldn't jinx it. I can almost relax. Once we're caught up, I want to take my wife out to celebrate. Life as an adult is full of rough patches, but I'm learning that if you just strap on your seat belt and be patient, you will probably make it through them. Thank you to everyone for your support.

Crazy Things In Which I Believe...In (Part Deux)

2007-10-12T10:47:00.000-05:00

Global warming.

I believe in global warming. There is indesputible evidence that it is happening. However, the big debate is whether or not humans are responsible. There is scientific evidence on both sides. Some can prove that this is a natural progression of the Earth, and some can prove that our excessive polluting is the cause. I happen to agree with those who believe that we, humans, are the cause.

Even if you believe we're not, why are some people against cleaning up the Earth, the Kyoto Protocol, etc.? Is that stuff going to hurt, even if it's not us? No. It is only more good. So why fight it?

In other Global Warming News, Al Gore has won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work on global warming through his Oscar-winning documentary An Inconvenient Truth, as well as other efforts. He will donate his share of the prize (he shared the award with the UN Climate Panel) to the Alliance for Climate Protection, a bipartisan non-profit organization that is devoted to changing public opinion in the US and around the world about the urgency of solving the climate crisis.

Will he run for President? My guess is, "No," and, if he does, he's gotten so far to the left from his previously centrist position that he wouldn't win, and disappoint a lot of people.

Showtime

2007-10-09T10:03:00.001-05:00

I am hating the fact that I'm getting a free preview of Showtime for three reasons:

1. They show the same three mediocre movies over and over, and then a bunch of really bad soft-core porn.

2. I am now hopelessly addicted to Weeds and Californication (the latter of the two let me catch up on the whole season On Demand). I can't afford to pay for the station just for these two shows. I'm going to have to buy the damn DVDs. I mean, they are honestly two of the best TV shows I've ever seen. Try to catch them. (If you have Comcast Cable, you're probably also getting a preview, or maybe that's just the Chicago market.)

3. I don't know when my free preview ends, and therefore don't know when I will no longer have two awesome shows to work out to on Tuesday morning.

Who Is the Candidate For You? or, Let's Get Political, Political

2007-10-03T13:54:00.000-05:00

I am often not sure who I should be backing in the upcoming Presidential race. I know who i don't like, but I am having trouble figuring out who I do like. Ultimately, I want someone whose political platform matches up with mine. However, it's hard work reading all those websites and seeing how they match up. Until now.

I bring you the Select a Candidate Quiz. Through a series of platform-related questions, covering the major issues of this election, you can figure out which candidate matches your current political ideology most closely.

Please read the instructions. You can skip questions if you don't want them factored in, and each question also asks you how important that issue is to you.

So, who did the quiz suggest I support? Well, based on my picks, Dennis Kucinich (the little, almost dwarf guy) matched me on every area except for Iraq (I'm in favor of troop drawdown, followed by decentralization by means of separating Iraq into several regions of separate governments. So, we'd have Iraq, Kurdistan, then some other area that would probably be invaded and annexed by Iran.) That's pretty impressive because many Democrats don't agree with my stance on the Death Penalty (100% unflinchingly against it). (By the way, my lowest match was Mike Huckabee. I guess I don't Heart Huckabee. We only agree on immigration.)

You can disagree with my personal beliefs all you want in the comments, I can take it. However, take the quiz. It's kind of convenient to see who is most closely matched to you.

Final Instructions

2007-10-02T09:50:00.000-05:00

My wife, I think, is afraid of death. Whenever I discuss my wishes with her, she just says, "We're young. I don't want to talk about that."

I'm kind of weird because death doesn't bother me. Not really at all. It's not that I don't feel grief, but I understand the process, and the eventuality that all of us will die. I cope well and, in the 7 stages of grief, I just always skip right to "acceptance," because, really, what else can we do? I am no necromancer.

I just hope that, after I die, my wishes will be honored. This is another sticking point with my lovely spouse. She wants to be buried, returned to the earth by way of decomposition and worm feed. I want to be cremated. She's cool with that, but thinks that we should lie in eternal respite next to each other, so my remains should be buried or entombed with hers. I, however, want my ashes dumped in a volcano (yes, really). I planned to leave enough money for this to be sort of a vacation for whomever survives me. They can enjoy putting me to rest, where my body eventually be spread all over the earth by means of violent eruption. You can bury my favorite hat and put a tombstone, if you want (Eptiaph: Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. -Vonnegut), but I don't want my body to just be buried.

I have a few other demands (requests, final instructions). The first is that no one is allowed to cry at my funeral. Death, in my opinion, is a joyous occassion for the departed, as he or she is moving on. I don't beleive in eternal nothingness. I'm a reincarnation guy, but I'm open to be surprised when it happens. Anyway, no crying. Anyone who cries will receive a slight, but painful electric shock.

Secondly, no funeral music. That shit is what makes people cry. Funeral parlors go out of their way to make everything depressing. There's the doleful, sallow funeral director, with his eternal frown. And then, there's that goddamn music playing in all the rooms. I want something uptempo. You can just run through the Beatles collection. There's some serious music in there, for those who really want to grive and be sad. Becuase I've been liking George lately, "Here Comes The Sun Would Be Appropriate," in my opinion. Happy and relevant. Also, please drink a lot at the funeral, not out of grief, but joy. Make it Irish!

Then, there's the eulogy. People will stand up and say nice things. Please, everyone, feel free to say that I was a bastard sometimes. That had a short temper when it came to idiots. Be honest, not just flattering. That is more respectful to me. I'd like to be able to eulogize myself, sort of. I want someone to read a particular poem about death and moving on. It is called, "After Apple Picking" by Robert Frost.

These are my instructions. Follow them. I'll leave you now with a poem that Jake was very specific about having read.

After Apple Picking
by: Robert Frost

My long two-pointed ladder's sticking through a tree
Toward heaven still,
And there's a barrel that I didn't fill
Beside it, and there may be two or three
Apples I didn't pick upon some bough.
But I am done with apple-picking now.
Essence of winter sleep is on the night,
The scent of apples: I am drowsing off.
I cannot rub the strangeness from my sight
I got from looking through a pane of glass
I skimmed this morning from the drinking trough
And held against the world of hoary grass.
It melted, and I let it fall and break.
But I was well
Upon my way to sleep before it fell,
And I could tell
What form my dreaming was about to take.
Magnified apples appear and disappear,
Stem end and blossom end,
And every fleck of russet showing clear.
My instep arch not only keeps the ache,
It keeps the pressure of a ladder-round.
I feel the ladder sway as the boughs bend.
And I keep hearing from the cellar bin
The rumbling sound
Of load on load of apples coming in.
For I have had too much
Of apple-picking: I am overtired
Of the great harvest I myself desired.
There were ten thousand thousand fruit to touch,
Cherish in hand, lift down, and not let fall.
For all
That struck the earth,
No matter if not bruised or spiked with stubble,
Went surely to the cider-apple heap
As of no worth.
One can see what will trouble
This sleep of mine, whatever sleep it is.
Were he not gone,
The woodchuck could say whether it's like his
Long sleep, as I describe its coming on,
Or just some human sleep.

Crazy Things In Which I Believe...In

2007-09-27T13:01:00.001-05:00

Welcome to a new segment of The Blog, titled, "Crazy Things In Which I Believe...In." In this new and exciting section, I will share with you some of the odd, outlandish, or conspiracy-theory based things that I wholeheartedly agree with and believe in.

First up to bat...antiperspirant.

I heard somewhere, a while ago, that there was a pretty strong correlation between Alzheimer's disease and aluminum. When people die who have Alzheimer's disease, or a more general, undiagnosed form of dementia, in almost every case, an increased level of aluminum is present in the brain. This makes sense because aluminum is a very effective neurotoxin, that is, it has an adverse affect on the nervous system. The brain is kind of the control hub of the nervous system, so it makes sense that when people's brains go all screwey, there is something in there that causes it.

But, how does this aluminium find it's way into our bodies? Are we ingesting tin foil (which has been made of aluminum since after World War 2, and is named as such, although plenty of people still call it "tin foil.") in mass quantities? What other products that we use, on a daily basis, can slowly poison us with aluminum? Aluminum is very prevalent in antacids like Rolaids and Tums, but studies show that the toxin is not absorbed effectively through the gastrointestinal system. So what could it be? The answer: antiperspirant.

Antiperspirant contains aluminum salts, which are what actually stop you from sweating. A lifetime use of deodorants, although they contain what is reported as an inconsequential and nontoxic amount of aluminum, can possibly be the cause. It's still treated in most circles as a conspiracy theory, but it is gaining some respect.

So, Jake, do you just go around stinking and sweating? What are you, some kind of hippie?

Well, I do sweat, like most humans. I'm the kind of guy who, once he starts sweating, he has a hard time stopping. For example, if I ran a mile on Tuesday morning, I might stop sweating on Thursday afternoon. However, most of this sweat comes from my brow and my back, two places where the majority of people do not apply antiperspirant.

So, what do I do about the 'ol armpits? I still use deodorant. However, I just stick with something that isn't an antiperspirant. Most deodorants actually contain an antibacterial agent, which eliminates the odor, and a perfume, which makes you smell springtime fresh. Therefore, I still sweat, but my once sickly smelling excretions now smell like Old Spice and Clorox wipes. On the plus side, I won't be a dottering old fool like you.

Medical Treatments We Don't Really Understand

2007-09-25T09:11:00.001-05:00

I was watching TV the other day, when a commercial came on for a new medicine called Veramyst. Veramyst is a nasal allergy medicine, meaning you spray it up your nose. So far, so good. The commercial was your basic drug commercial with all sorts of disclaimers and legal notices running across the bottom. However, this time, one of the legal disclaimers caught my eye, although it was only on for a brief second:

Thanks to some guy named Mike Terry who graciously allowed me to use this picture I found doing a Google search.

If you're having trouble reading the caption, it says, "The way VERAMYST works is not entirely understood." What? Is it magic? Does it inject tiny little men into your nose who get out micro-sized machine guns and attack allergies? Does it just get you high and make your brain forget you have allergies? Who knows? Evidentally, not Glaxo-Smith-Kline, the makers of VeraMyst, or the FDA, or anyone. It's not entirely understood! I don't know about you, but if scientists don't know how something works, I'm not spraying it up my nose. I'm reminded of a quote from a great cinematic classic:

"Well, duh, might as, might as well ask why is a tree good? Why is the sunset good? Why are boobs good?" -Joe Dirt

Blame Canada

2007-09-21T07:48:00.000-05:00

You go to the 7-11 to buy your Super Extra Ultra Biggie Blu-Berry Slurpee, you pay with a five dollar bill, and pocket your change. Later, you are at the office looking to buy a can of Mr. Pibb from the soda machine in the boiler room, and you grope around in your pocket (perhaps for a bit too long) for your change from earlier in the day. You produce three quarters. As you drop the first two in, you hear the reassuring sound of your change travelling through various tracks and pulleys, and finally hitting home with a reassuring "ching" as they hit the pile of change in the machine. However, as you confidently insert your third quarter, it drops directly to the coin return with a dead "clunk."

You put your index and ring fingers into the slot and produce...a Canadian quarter! Oh, the bane of existence! How does this worthless Canadian currency keep ending up amongst our noble American coins? Now you have three options. You can try to pass this off as an American quarter (by spending it on some Laffy Taffy, buying Girl Scout cookies, or tipping the Starbucks girl), you can put it in the forsaken Canadian Money jar at your house (in which you've amassed some two hundred dollars in change, on the off chance that you may someday visit Canada and be lauded as a "loose change rich man"), or you can throw it away.

For the first time ever, the American dollar is roughly equal in value to the Canadian dollar. For those of you not in the financial industry, in 2003, the US dollar was worth approximately $1.60 Canadian. Due to the housing debacle, amongst other factors, the dollar has steadily declined, and is no longer the economic powerhouse it used to be. This is kind of a big deal. Don't believe me? The proof is in my banana pudding:

Because it's hard to see, the holy shit arrow is pointing to the fact that a US dollar is worth 1.0048 Canadian dollars. Thats one dollar and half a cent. Pretty much equal.

On the other hand, when the Euro was first introduced, it was worth about 90 cents, US. Now, it's worth $1.40! Dammit.

What does this mean for you, faithful reader? It means to hold on to that goddamn Canadian money that you used to throw away because, pretty soon, a Canadian penny will be able to buy you a house (with no down payment!)

It also means that when you buy a book, no longer will you see: $9.99 US, $12.99 in Canada. If this keeps up, those figures will be reversed. In the future, when Canadians get American quarters in their change, they'll no longer try to use them to buy hockey pucks or maple syrup. They'll just throw them away, or use them to even out the legs of their dining room tables. Viva La Canada(ian money).

**On a completely different note, I came home from work very very late yesterday (like 8PM), and I found my wife upstairs, and what I saw caught me completely by surprise, and left me speechless. My wife, who has always had fairly long hair. Had it all cut off into a bob. However, I think it looks fantastic. She won't let me post a picture.

Time To Play a Game...

2007-09-18T16:01:00.000-05:00

Excessive force or not:

I tend to think that they didn't need to shock the guy, seeing as how they had him handcuffed and there were like 5 cops on top of him. However, I'm no expert...

Discuss.

I Really Hate Memes

2007-09-18T08:33:00.000-05:00

But, I stole this from Ms. Wose.

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car)
Whisper Accent (More like an adult contemporary guy who plays the oboe.)

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)
Mint Chocolate Chip Thin Mint (I'm so damn minty!)

3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)J-Gro (Holy shit, it's almost the same as J-Lo, the most famous flygirl of them all!)

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Blue Bear

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Michael Evergreen (Park)

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first)Gro Ja

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)
The Green Black and Tan (WTF?)

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
Charles Thurman (One of my grandfathers was full-blooded German. That's right, Thurman the German).

9. STRIPPER NAME: ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy)
Black Heath (That sound more like a porn star with a big schlong.)

10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names )
Charles Ann (How f'ing gay is that. I could have made it Ann Charles. Then, I'd be in witness protection and have had an operation.)

11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter)
Wersel Wellington (capital of New Zeland.)

12. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower)
Winter Orchid (again, kind of a gay one)

13. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + "ie" or "y")
Banana Shoey

14. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree)
Bagel Oak (huh?)

15. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”)
The Guitar Playing Snowstorm Tour

NEWSFLASH! ROBBERY AT THE EMMYS!

2007-09-17T07:57:00.000-05:00

Did you see it? Just as they were announcing the award for "Lead Actor in a Comedy Series," Ricky Gervais stole Alec Baldwin's golden statue. What was more amazing was that he wasn't even in the building. Wow!

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia

2007-09-14T09:36:00.000-05:00

How the hell did I miss this show for the past two years?!?!?! (Insert interrobangs). Honestly, it's one of the funniest shows I've ever seen. It's sort of a sitcom, but follows the Office's cue of not using a laugh track. This makes the comedy and jokes much smarter. Also, becuase it's on FX, and they allow them to say "shit," I noticed that they try to fit the maximum number of expletives in during each episode, often to comic overuse. I've only seen a few episodes, but I'm in love. You absoluetly have to go take a look. Link. If someone you know has the DVD, you have to try to watch "The Hundred Dollar Baby" episode. My brother-in-law showed me this episode, and I was hooked.

Also, the way this show got on TV is pretty interesting, and the Wikipedia entry is fairly accurate. Check it out here.

Edit: If you have time, there's a viewable episode (probably not licensed by FX) here. A few don't work, but Underage Drinking does.

Haiku (A Day?)

2007-09-12T07:40:00.001-05:00

A while back, I started a Haiku-a-Day site. Then, I stopped posting every day, then I quit, then I went to weekly, then to monthly, then I quit again.

Well, I've decide to un-quit. That's right I've quit quitting, and have resumed regular daily posts. Because practically no one reads them, the site has been renamed A Haiku For No One. Perhaps you can visit and I can rename the site again.

Coming tomorrow on A Haiku For No One, a haiku about Britney Spears' vagina.

Britney and (Blank) In a Box

2007-09-10T07:39:00.000-05:00

Britney Spears tried to launch a "comeback" last night at MTV's VMA's, but left most in the viewing audience with the impression that they want her to "go back." I'm not going to comment that she was out of shape, or apparently forgot how to lip sync, or danced like a lazy hooker at the end of a week long heroin binge, after downing a bottle of Ny-Quil.

In other awards news, Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake's SNL skit "Dick in A Box" has won a creative arts Emmy, and, in my opinion, it deserved the honor. If you've never seen it, please partake:

Have You Ever Been Screwed By an Apple?

2007-09-07T09:43:00.000-05:00

Did you do it? When the iPhone came out, did you wait in long lines at an Apple or AT&T store, only to make your way in and plunk down $599 for a beautiful piece of technology that had 8GB of flash memory, and surfed the internets. Did you buy it for the phone, or just for the iPod with the cool touch screen and WiFi?

When the iPhone came out, I predicted that the next generation of iPod would be touch-screen, and that they would have WiFi. Yesterday, Steve Jobs announced the iPod Touch, which is basically an iPhone without the phone. An 8GB model will cost $299, and a 16GB model will cost $399. If you bought the iPhone just for the iPod with WiFi (as many did), you got screwed.

If you truly bought the iPhone for the phone, guess what? You got screwed, too. Apple first decided to stop offering the cheaper, 4GB ($499) version of the iPhone and to only continue offering the 8GB ($599) version. However, a dramatic price cut was announced, and, going forward, the 8GB iPhone will cost $399. That's like buying the iPod touch and paying an extra $100 for the phone capabilities. Seems pretty fair, unless you rushed to buy one when it first came out.

Apple, however, feels everyone's pain. They are offering $100 back to anyone who bought an iPhone before the price cut. The catch? The money back is Apple store credit. Read more about it here.

In addition, even people like me, who just bought my iPod video in May, got screwed. The iPod Classic (which is the traditional iPod) got a new user interface, a full metal body, and, for $249, will hold 80GB. I paid the same price a few months ago, and can only store a maximum of 30GB. The upgraded ($349) version, which used to hold 80GB, now holds *gasp* 160GB, or 40,000 songs! The iPod Nano also got a redesign, a bigger screen, new colors, and now can play video. Similarly, two months after I bought my first iPod, which only played music and held 20GB, the iPod video came out.

I guess the moral is, when you buy a music player or phone from Apple, you can be sure to get pissed a few months later when a newer, better version comes out. I'm not saying that you shouldn't buy from Apple. Far from it. I am 100% committed that my next computer will be a Mac. I'm just saying, prepare to be disappointed. Technology moves fast, and the newest upgrade is likely just around the corner, especially from a company at the forefront of entertainment technology like Apple. They will still support your old iPod, and, when that one busts in a few years, they'll have an iPod that stores music directly in your brain.

Musical Originality is Not Necessarily Dead (It's Just In the Subway)

2007-08-31T11:21:00.000-05:00

I am always on the lookout for new, original music. I don't like the majority of new acts that come out. I'm not one of those snobs who finds a band and gets pissed when they "make it." I just want something original. That said, I saw a video from this guy, Greg Patillo, a while back. He was beat boxing while playing his version of the Inspector Gadget theme. It was awesome. Then, I stumbled upon the video below, where he is playing with a cellist in a New York City Subway. As a small-time jazz fan, I was impressed to hear Mingus' Fables of Faubus at the beginning of the medley. Anyway, this is some amazing, impressive, and original music. For more, just go here. Enjoy!

Greetings (From the Future)

2007-08-30T09:02:00.000-05:00

I've found a pretty neat-o website. It's called futureme.org. This site allows you to write yourself an email and delay the delivery for a specified amount of time. I sent myself a message for five years from yesterday, and one for a year from now. I just need to find a website that sends messages to the past, so I can tell myself to buy as many stocks of Google and Apple as I could afford, and to keep doing so. Also, I'd be sure to tell the winner of major sporting events so that I could unfairly gamble on them. Also, to watch more porn. You can never get enough porno.

The Ultimate Waterbed

2007-08-28T08:12:00.001-05:00

Stormy

2007-08-24T07:42:00.000-05:00

Last night, the Chicago area had some pretty nasty storms. There were thousands of trees knocked over in the city, many onto cars or power lines. I personally saw three of the following four things: funnel clouds, close-up lightning strike, massive flooding, George Bush riding around on a broom with ruby slippers on.

I was a nice enough Trainer to hold a Robbery and Security Procedures workshop last night, which finished around 6:30. We had an early wave of storms around 3:00, which were immensely powerful. I used my amateur meteorological skills to deduce that there would be no more inclement weather, thereby not cancelling the class. I was a little bit wrong.

As I left the bank, travelling eastward, back home, I noticed a squall line following me. Looking in my rear view mirror, I saw nothing but blackness. Not gray or just unsunny, but complete blackness. I raced to stay ahead of the storm, and, just as I pulled in my driveway, the storm caught up with me and it began to downpour. I, of course, just stood in the opened driveway watching the crazy storm do its worst.

Within minutes, a retention pond across the street filled to the brim, my gutters were looking like cracked-open fire hydrants, and the trees in front of my home were threatening to launch skyward. It was here that I saw the funnel clouds and W on a broomstick.

Today, all is calm, but I noticed that Doctor Doppler says there is more weather coming.

Deported! (and a haircut)

2007-08-20T10:59:00.000-05:00

Elvira Arellano, the Mexican immigrant who has been hiding out in a Chicago-area church since August 15th of last year, was arrested and deported yesterday when she left her sanctuary to speak at a Los Angeles rally. Her 8 year-old son, an American citizen, is still in the US, living with the Pastor of the church where Arellano took sanctuary.

I know that this is one of those big dividing issues in the country. Half of us are happy she was deported, half of us are not. I am a little torn on the issue. I think it's unfair that people take extreme pains, and jump through hoop after hoop, trying to enter our country legally, while others just jump the border and liver here illegally. On the other hand, I think that someone like Elvira Arellano shouldn't be separated from her son. I also think that our economy thrives on the work of many illegals. (Not just Mexicans. In Chicago, we have a lot of illegal Poles, Russians, and Ukrainians, too.) Many of these immigrants work hard, laborious jobs for little pay, just to try and give their families a better life.

Almost none of us would be here if it weren't for immigration. Our borders were open, and we welcomed new citizens. Our Grandparents, Great-Grandparents, and Great-Great-Grandparents, etc., came here (mostly legally) and started a new life, adding to the great melting pot that is the US.

I guess I, personally, don't know which side to choose. I'm OK with illegal immigrants, but at the same time, I resent them for taking shortcuts when others are denied, after trying to work through American bureaucracy.

On another note, my wife took a pair of clippers with a #2 blade to my head yesterday, separating my stylish faux-hawk with one fell swoop. I'm once again rockin the "Bruce Willis Solution" to a receding hairline. I don't think it looks too bad. Maybe I went a bit short, though.

Dick Cheney's Mother is Ms. Cleo

2007-08-16T09:03:00.000-05:00

Just watch the video. Not much explanation needed, other than there are some eerily prophetic words coming out of the mouth of a man who pushed us toward an Iraq war.

Little People, Big Surprise

2007-08-15T10:56:00.000-05:00

I watch the show, "Little People, Big World." I thought it was cheesy at first, but it's really inspirational. The show chronicles the Roloff family, a well-to-do Washington family, of whom the father and mother are dwarves, one of a pair of twin boys is a dwarf, and the rest are average-size. They go through a lot, but, underneath it all, they are a really normal family. **Aaaaw.**

Last month, the dad, Matt Roloff, was arrested and cited for DUI after failing a field sobriety test. Here's his mugshot:

How cute. He looks lit.

This was, evidentally, his second DUI charge. This one happened on June 19th (my wedding anniversary).

He's supposed to be setting an example. I'm going to guess that this hurts his image a bit.

On the bright side, at least he doesn't get smashed, get naked, and then pee in a corner while sitting on his scooter.

BJ Girl

2007-08-09T11:23:00.000-05:00

Warning: Adult-ish content. May not be a "work friendly" video.

This has to be the funniest think I've seen in a long time. I have tears still, and it was like 10 minutes ago that I viewed it.

Follow this Link to Laughter.

Cheaters Never Win. Ok, Sometimes They Do

2007-08-08T07:39:00.000-05:00

Last night, in San Francisco, Barry Bonds proved, once and for all, that:

1. Doing drugs (allegedly) doesn't make you a loser. It makes you a winner. By that logic, I used to be a winner, too, but pot just made me lazy. Maybe it's time to switch to something harder.

2. Cheaters sometimes win the biggest prizes of all, so, everyone should cheat. Go for it. Cheat on your wife or husband. It will probably turn out for the best. Trust in Barry.

3. Ingesting copious amounts of steroids (er, vitamins) can make a person a much better at sports. Maybe if Bob Uecker juiced up, he could have been more than just an announcer who "must be in the front row."

4. America's true pastime is pharmaceuticals. Go to any major city at night. Watch the upcoming show, "Scott Baio is 46 and in Rehab." We love drugs and people who do them.

Congratulations, Mr. Bonds. You broke a record that Hank Aaron set with hard work, determination and perseverance, and you only needed to inflate your biceps while simultaneously shrinking your bean-bag by injecting performance-enhancing drugs (allegedly) to do it. You are a true example to us all.

Behold MLB's home run champion. Oops. I think that's Hank Aaron.

Please note: I don't really like baseball, but if there has ever been an instance to satire anything, this was it.

Also, thanks to another Barry for getting that great graphic with the asterisk, and not minding that I uploaded it to my computer and put it here. That asterisk will forever be in record books, tarnishing the record until A-Rod breaks it.

Interesting Things I Learned From StatCounter

2007-08-06T11:02:00.000-05:00

1. If you search, "I Think, Therefore I Am" in Google, my blog shows up on the second page! Granted, it's the last entry on the last page, but I'm movin' on up. I'm sure everyone who searches that Decartes gem will stumble past my page, and maybe hit it. If that's what has brought you here, you're welcome.

2. Someone keeps looking for me. It's kind of creepy. They keep plugging "Jacob Gross" "Tinley Park" into Google. I've got to be the only Jacob Gross who grew up in Tinely Park, IL, so, if you're searching for Jacob Gross, Andrew High School class of 1998, Grissom Junior High class of 1994, Kruse Elementary class of 1992, involved in practically no extracurricular activities, who spent a good portion of his High School years slightly under the influence of THC, worked at Chuck E. Cheese fixing games, then at TCF Bank as a teller, and was probably the coolest guy you never knew, you found me. Go to my profile and e-mail me. Reveal yourself and stop lurking. For fuck's sake, this isn't Classmates.com!

3. A lot of people hate guidos.

4. For a while, people thought I had the answer to the Harry Potter mystery. Then, the book came out, and people stopped searching for Harry Potter spoilers.

5. Lots of people agree with me that Keira Knightley and Natalie Portman look alike.

6. People read Leezer's blog, see my daily comments, then come over here. Those people are like HMO participants, going to their normal doctor, Leezer, and getting a referral to have that strange scabby-thing on their junk looked at by me, their out-of-network dermatologist. I gladly accept those referrals.

7. I need to generate some more unique traffic:
- Paris and Nicole are lesbians for each other. There is a video. I don't have it.
- Scott Baio is 45 and creepy. (And pathetic.)
- Marilyn Manson is actually Dan Quayle in drag, doing his best "scary guy" impression.
- Free Porno.
- 100% Free Nude Photos of Celebrities.
- Naked photos of Barbara Bush. (or, See Bush's Bush.)
- Naked photos of George W. Bush.
- iPhone video.
- iPhone goes golfing.
- iPhone makes sweet, but simultaneously rough sex with a Blackberry. The Blackberry called it rape, but the iPhone has proof that it was consensual (allegedly).
- Harry Potter commits suicide.
- The war in Iraq is over. (Headline from 1992).
- Jacob Gross Tinley Park Blog.
- Xuxa. (I think I got my first chubby to the American version of Xuxa's children's show where she barely wore clothes and pranced around the stage with short blonde hair.)

A Love Letter to Libraries

2007-08-03T10:00:00.000-05:00

**Warning: Long Post Ahead!**

As a child, I learned to read early. The average age for kids to start reading is between 5 and 6. I know this because on Saturdays, I struggle to teach little kids how to read. I learned significantly younger than that. Before I was three years old, my mom used to boast to friends, family, and neighbors that I somehow learned to read without much real instruction. (In my opinion, it was a combination of my dizzying (ha!) intellect along with the fact that my Mother constantly read stories to me and pointed to each word as she read.) There wasn’t much phonics involved in my education, as is common practice today. It was just memorization and synthesis.

You don’t believe me? Well, my Aunt Karen didn’t believe my Mom, either. Shortly before my third birthday, she slapped a Newsweek magazine down in front of me and said something to the effect of, “If he can read, let’s see him read this.” (By the way, my Aunt Karen is a really nice lady, although that made her sound mean. There was more of a tone of incredulity than of harshness in her voice.) To her amazement, I read an article out loud, although I remember not understanding most of the words I pronounced.

And so my love affair with books began. My father used to take us (my Brother, my Sister, and myself) to the library on a weekly basis. We were not wealthy growing up (as I am still not wealthy now). My friends and acquaintances would be given wonderful toys and fantastic vacations, and they’d still complain, spoiled as they were. I cherished these trips to a place as magical as the library. What joy! There were literally decades worth of free entertainment, all at my fingertips. By age 7, I was reading adult-level novels. (At 9 years old, I began an almost 20 year long journey with Roland Deschain in Stephen King’s epic 7 part Sci-Fi Fantasy Western, The Dark Tower. King published the first few parts as short stories in 1978 and the last volume in 2004. Since, I have re-read the entire 4000+ page series several times. Read all of it, I promise you won’t be disappointed.)

During these trips, we would be loosed upon the stacks without any supervision because, after all, what kind of trouble could we get in at a library? Armed with a cheap plastic card in a cheaper plastic sleeve, I would search for young adult literature, classics of the cannon, contemporary novels, and the occasional Calvin and Hobbes collection, which would be read while on the toilet. (It’s a bad habit, but I find that there’s no better place to read than on the porcelain poop chair, and no better thing to read than Calvin and Hobbes.) I would ask the librarian for recommendations, judge books by their covers, and often read bad books as a result. But, I also activated my brain in a highly advanced fashion.

Sometimes, my Dad would allow us to “hang out” at the library. He’d drop us off and leave us there for a few hours. Oh, the geekish joy! I would smuggle in a snack and a beverage, find one of the many “comfy chairs” isolated in a hidden corner on the garden level at the Tinley Park Public Library, and get lost in literature. Often, I’d read an entire 300-400 page book in a few hours without even checking it out. Then, I’d leave, armed with 3 or 4 novels (and one bathroom book) to be brought back the next week and exchanged for new (although used) books.

As I grew older, hanging out at the library had a slight stigma attached to it. As we all know, High School kids want only to be considered “cool” by their peers, and nothing is as uncool as spending all your free time at a (gasp!) library. My trips to the library became less frequent, but now that I had a job, I simply bought books. Since I was 16 until today (I’m now 27), I must have spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on books. I have a beautiful, hand-built (by my father-in-law), humongous bookshelf in the Beatles Room at my house (don’t ask). I’ve resorted to stacking books on top of books because they all won’t fit. Because I studied Literature in college, I kept all my Norton Anthologies, all my textbooks on rhetoric, literary criticism, and educational theory, and any novel that I was assigned to read, and was paid for through a student loan. But, again, I’m poor, and have been resorting to re-reading my own personal library, which contains over 1000 books.

Then, in my last post, (Remember? The one where I cried “Woa is me,” over and over.), Lynda commented that I should “go to the library instead of buying books.” I haven’t, as I mentioned, been buying books for some time, but this sparked some interest. I know that my town of 2000 doesn’t have a library, but I have seen the library book return at the Village Hall. Where is our library? I decided to investigate. To the Internet!

The answer: a slightly larger town about 5 miles south, Peotone, has a library that serves my town, Monee. I made it my mission to go yesterday. I have a 2 year-old, who, although she isn’t reading yet like her dad was, loves books. She loves to have us read to her, she loves to pretend to read herself, she just loves books. She has the lower shelf on the massive bookshelf, holding some 100 of her own books. However, I haven’t been financially able to add to her little library. What better place to see new books than at the library?

When we arrived, after procuring library cards, my wife took Addy (my daughter) over to the kid’s books, while I searched the online catalog for a book that Leezer recommended to me (A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole). I was a little disappointed that they didn’t keep the old card catalog, just for good measure. I know that the last time I was at the public library, they did have electronic catalogs, but they still maintained their old-fashioned card catalog, which I perferred. Reluctantly, I searched for my book, but, alas, my library didn’t have it. In the old days, one used to have to fill out a form to get a book sent from another library. In these modern times, it takes a few clicks, and the librarian told me that they’d e-mail me when my book came in. I grabbed a few other books that I’ve been wanting to read (one of which is Stephen King’s Everything’s Eventual because I am the biggest fan of short stories that ever lived) and checked in with my wife.

Addison’s eyes were huge, like she’d just dropped some killer acid (OK, bad analogy, but she was in awe, truly). She couldn’t get over all the books. There were huge shelves, most of which probably looked to her like they went up forever. She picked out two ("Dinosaur ABC 123," which she called “ABCDEFG Dino’s,” and “A Pig is Moving In.”) My wife, who was never a big fan of libraries, but also loves to read, decided to grab a few books for herself. While she searched, my daughter and I found one of those comfy couches, hidden in a forgotten corner, and I read the Dinosaur book to her. We all left very pleased. I forgot how pleasant and friendly library staff is (when they don’t work at University Libraries). Miss Rosemary, our youth services librarian, invited us to bring Addy back for storytime next week. It’s a date!

So, thank you Benjamin Franklin, for installing this somewhat socialist system of allowing a community repository for shared literature. Although it has evolved significantly from it’s somewhat meager roots, I am grateful that it exists. My re-discovery of an excursion that used to hold so much value

Troubles

2007-08-01T10:25:00.000-05:00

Last year, my wife and I bought a townhouse. It was a great thing. It has three bedrooms, tons of space, and is in a nice quite country-ish neighborhood.

When we first got our mortgage, because the place was new construction, our property taxes weren't assessed. In my past experience, when owning a condominium, I had my taxes included in my mortgage in an escrow account, so I didn't have to scramble to try to pay them whey they were due. Again, because it was new construction, we were only paying like $10 into our escrow each month. I figured, using real math, that when our taxes were assessed, our mortgage would go up like $250 a month, and because my wife was working, it was no big deal.

Cut to August. My wife has been out of work for 6 months, and has trouble finding a part-time job (but God knows she's been trying). Our taxes were assessed a little higher than I had expected. Our mortgage payment will now go up $500 a month! Things are tight right now as it is, and I was freaked about paying an extra $250 a month. Bankruptcy is hanging out on my front porch, drinking a Busch Light, waiting for me to invite him in. I even called the bank to make sure that there was not a mistake. There wasn't.

I don't know what to do. I'm stressed. I've been unfairly mean to my wife because she's not working, and when our first new mortgage payment with the extra $500 is due in September, I don't know what will happen. I know she needs to work, and I know she's been trying, but I think I am unfairly resenting her for not working and contributing. We've been fighting a lot, and I hope we make it through all this turmoil. She will probably be mad that I am writing this to the whole world, but it's cathartic.

I already work two jobs (Trainer Monday through Friday, and Tutor on Saturdays), and I've applied to Tutor.com to tutor kids online during the week. I've also applied to About.com to be a guide on their site, but I'm not holding my breath.

Does the Blogging community at large have any ideas? I don't have any real marketable skills that I can contract out, other than a marginal knack for writing. I'll come out and cut your grass for $500 a month, but I only have scissors. It will take a while, but it will look beautiful. I'll shampoo a dog's ass. I have no shame. Feel free to send me any extra money that you may have lying around, and consider it a hearty donation. You can email me for my address.

I'm pathetic.

From My Application to Be An About.com Guide for Weird News

2007-07-27T15:47:00.000-05:00

University of Missouri-Rolla professor Paul Worsey conducted his fourth straight Summer Explosives Camp this past June. The campers, 20 or so high-school-age students, learn different methods used for exploding various items. Campers got the opportunity to explode watermelons, tree stumps, and even dead chickens. One camper, Brandon Meadows, expressed his excitement for the explosive arts when he said, "Some people like baseball (but) I just like to set off bombs." He continued, "I figure here, learning how to do it properly, is better than messing around with it at home, right?"

When asked about his favorite part of the camp, another student said, "Blowing up the chicken was good. It flew – forced bits of chicken guts to fly like 40 to 50 feet." During the explosion, he said, he made sure to follow his instructor's advice and kept his mouth closed.

When asked what goals he had for the program, Dr. Worsey, who also teaches the world's only for-credit pyrotechnics course, stated that his main goal is to recruit mine-engineering majors to his school. Worsey told NPR that the program was "Critically important," and that "These are our workers to sustain this industry going forward." Since the program began five years ago, enrollment in the university's Explosives Engineering program has doubled.

[National Public Radio, 6-21-07 ]

Extreme Makeover, Blog Edition

2007-07-23T15:11:00.000-05:00

I changed my template. Christina, I really liked the old one, but I was getting bored of it. This is the best I could do on my own.

What I really need is a kick-ass banner, but I don't have Photoshop.

Who wants to make me a kick-ass banner? Any takers? The job pays $0, and there is only an HMO associated with it. I will offer stock options. You get twenty shares in a little company called Enron. They're due for a comeback.

If you're interested in flexing your creative muscle (which, I've been told, is in your left butt cheek), please email me at jacobmgross (at) hotmail (dot) com.

EDIT: I found a program on my computer and made the banner above. However, now I can't get the color scheme to look right. Any suggestions. Or, do you just hate my banner, with its references to Paris and Britney's lady parts? Let me know.

Warning: Harry Potter Spoiler Below!

2007-07-18T09:46:00.000-05:00

I seduced J.K. Rowling and stole the latest Potter book (The Deathly Hallows) off her nightstand while she slept in post-coital exhaustion. Here's the main points about the ending:

Harry Potter moves to Iceland, where he becomes involved in the renewable energy movement. As a young magician, he helps to discover how to turn water into power, but can only perform the incantation while someone is pinching his taint.

As for the deaths: Ron and Hermione have sex, marking the deaths of their respective innocences. Interest in the series dies soon after many loyal fans read this final installment.

The End.

What the Luck?

2007-07-13T09:18:00.000-05:00

Sadly, lots of people will not be getting laid today. My stock tip of the day: Do not invest in Trojan or Durex until Monday.

2007-07-10T07:48:00.000-05:00

Dear White People,

I saw you at the Dave Matthews Band concert at Toyota Park on Sunday night. I thought it might be a good time for me to remind you that you can't dance. I know that you think that if you consume copious amounts of alcohol and marijuana, that you will somehow be transformed into James Brown, but, sadly, it's not the case. You just look like stoned hippies gyrating your hips off-beat and strumming the air guitar off-tempo. It's embarrassing to you, but it's also embarrassing to me. (Although I must admit that your air-drumming is pretty impressive).

Peace and love,

Think Jacob

P.S. I'll agree that Guster was pretty awesome when the opened up for DMB. However, "Amsterdam" is not the appropriate song for you to grind your crotch on your girlfriend's ass. It just doesn't work.

Also, why can't I put a title on this post. It should be called "Caucasian Correspondence."

iPod and the Homeless

2007-07-02T09:16:00.000-05:00

I was in downtown Chicago recently for a conference, and while there, I discovered a new use for my iPod. It's an excellent homeless panhandler and Streetwise Newspaper peddler deterrent. It's true. Just pop your iPod on your head, and no one asks you for spare change, or to buy a crappy newspaper. Just imagine if we all put on our headphones, the homeless would never get any spare change, and eventually die off, curing us of the homeless problem, nationwide. It's amazing.

Speaking of new ways to use Apple products, the iPhone just came out. I want one because they do so many things. Just check out this commercial:

But, Jacob, Why Exactly Was John Lennon The Coolest Man That Ever Lived?

2007-06-29T07:40:00.001-05:00

Because when the Beatles began to gain popularity in England, they were invited to play a show for the Queen of England. John addressed the crowd before they played "Twist and Shout" by saying, "The people in the cheaper seats, clap your hands... and the rest of you, if you'd just rattle your jewelry." You can't be much cooler than that.

...but I Ultimately Decided to Do a Blog Post About It

2007-06-22T08:37:00.000-05:00

I was planning to write a book to help young men through a very common gym class enemy: Jock Itch. It was going to be called, "Face, Body, Balls, then Feet: A Guide to Avoiding The Spread of Jock Itch in the Shower." Then, I thought the title kind of gave it away. I think I'll just put out a pamphlet. Or a leaflet. Or just a flyer.

This post in no way indicates that I have Athlete's Foot or Jock Itch, only the fact that I'd like to educate the public at large.

Next time..."Wear Panties When You Sit On Freshly Baked Bread: A Lady's Guide to Avoiding Yeast Infections."

I Think

2007-06-21T08:49:00.000-05:00

I'm just going to post comments on other blogs and stop posting here. It just seems a waste...

Or maybe I'll just continue my unannounced hiatus.

I have a lot to say, but I never seem to have the time to say it, and by the time I have the time, I forget what I wanted to say in the first place.

I don't know.

Dancing

2007-06-07T09:19:00.000-05:00

In returning to the "I Think, Therefore I Am Frustrated" theme of this blog, I bring you a topic that, when I think about it, frustrates me.

Dancing.

Where did it start? What does it mean? Why are white people so bad at it? Why does alcohol make us more apt to do it? Chicken? Square? Line? Break? I just don't get it.

Go Shorty, It's Your Birfday

2007-05-28T07:49:00.000-05:00

Today, May 28th, in honor of my 27th birfday, here are 27 uninteresting details about me:

27. My middle name is Michael.

26. I taught myself to play the guitar about 3 years ago. In the last few months, my progress has improved exponentially.

25. I haven't spoken to either of my parents in over 18 months.

24. I've been very honestly wanting to try my hand at stand-up comedy, but am just too unmotivated to actually write an act.

23. I graduated college with a 3.97 GPA. I only had one B. I barely put any effort into my studies. I'm not bragging, it's just a fact.

22. I changed my major from Law Enforcement, to Culinary Arts, to Writing, to Teaching, all within the span of a few years.

21. I worked full time while going to school full time. Maybe that's why I couldn't be bothered to put too much effort into it.

20. My favorite color is blue.

19. I drive a 2000 Hyundai Accent with 94k "Totally Jake" miles on it.

18. Although I complain about it, I love my car. 34 mpg is good when gas costs $3700 a gallon.

17. A good majority of my white socks have holes in them. They're pretty new. The holes are at the back, above my ankle, from pulling them on like a caveman.

16. I have a (no longer so secret) crush on Many Moore. That's right. I'm a Mandyiac.

15. I like my coffee with 3 creams, 3 sugars.

14. I like my tea a variety of different ways: pure honey with green tea, milk and sugar with any black tea.

13. My favorite black teas are Darjeeling or Earl Gray.

12. What the fuck is red tea? OK that's not a detail about me. I don't understand what the fuck red tea is. I guess it's tea with a red leaf.

11. I used to be a marginal basketball player in High School. Actually, I was pretty good, but when it came to try-outs, or playing in an actual game, I got "court-fright" and usually sucked.

10. I've been riding my bike 6 miles a day, four days a week, and working out with weights every single day, in addition to adopting a high-protein, low-calorie diet for the past three weeks straight, and I haven't lost an ounce. But I do feel really good.

9. My penis has never been named. It is yet unnamed.

8. I've never really liked baseball. Not at all. It's just too slow and boring for me.

7. My favorite author is Gabriel Garcia Marquez. He's amazing.

6. I have a lot of freckles. When I was a kid, they were all over and more prominent. They've kind of faded.

5. When I was a kid, though, I used to wish I could get rid of them. Now, I usually don't remember that they're there.

4. My shoulders, though, are basically orange. It's like all the freckles connected and I'm wearing orange shoulder pads. That, and when I'm in the sun, I get a few freckles on my lips.

3. When I was 14, I was really into rap music. Now, not so much.

2. When I try to grow a mustache, it looks so patchy, and takes so long to grow in, I end up looking like a kid who just had a big glass of chocolate milk. I really want a mustache.

1. I have "mental arguments" with myself. It's weird. For example, I'll be getting up in the morning, and my brain will say, "Just go back to sleep. Five more minutes." Then, I'll say back, "No. What's five minutes going to do for me. I'm getting up now." This usually goes on for five minutes.

Happy Memorial Day.

A Quote

2007-05-23T08:18:00.001-05:00

I have always tried to come up with quotes. I aspire to write types of things I think should go in quote books and in people's e-mail signatures. You know, useless pearls of wisdom and wit that turn a phrase.

I do lot of that with my haikus, but I also do just straight up quotes. Here's one I recently posted as a comment on someone's site:

“If young people put as much energy toward trying to help each other as they do trying to hump each other, everyone would be happy, and no one would be screwed.” - Jacob Gross